First, the original name of my blog. I used such a complicated title because I believed my life held such a complex web that I needed to dissolve it into components so that I could actually discover myself. This was simply a way for me to tell myself that I was doing fine when I wasn't, and that I had my life in order when I didn't. The thought that occurred was that I had no intention of changing my own path, but instead, it was changed for me.
Who is to say that it won't continue to change?
Second, my allocation of spare resources, a.k.a., my free time. Who I spent time with, what I did, what I gained the most hope from, and so on. I met back with those friends that I bonded with during my freshman year, that gave me a creative outlet when I had none, and I had found that they had gone on without me. I wanted something that I could be comfortable with, when they had something different in mind. My fear is that they might not react sensibly when they learn this, and I would be pained gravely were this topic to be addressed emotionally.
I have never been the one to fight with emotion effectively.
This begs the question that if not them, then who? To that, I have no answers for this time, but that there is a horizon of hope verging. Our separation may be bittersweet, especially because of the many experiences that we have gone through, and even the ones that they have graciously exempted me from.
Do I still want to be with friends that, when I query and they answer, "Nothing," I simply respond "Thank you" and consider my selective hearing a blessing? Should I take control and take the action of becoming a social magnet?
Such notions do not rest well.
Third, my perspective on things has changed. I do not see myself as simply another ambiguous college student that seeks desperately to find friends to hang out with or to develop a network of friendships with. The group I addressed filled a specific need that I had when I came to college those three years ago. I seem to have less of that specific need as time presses onward, but yet it lingers, and this group fails to present their factional boon. As one economist once stated, "As the supply for a good decreases, people will look to find inferior goods." Not to say that I have simply given up on such things as that group, but I have to find a substitute for what and how I was, and thus I will find who I am and who I will be with.
For anyone that's interested, I've been listening to these stations on Pandora as a giant QuickMix:
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